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kill the darling children...'s Journal

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13th May 2006

10:33pm: unhappy...go figure

7th May 2006

2:28am: my grandmother was taken to the hospital this week. we arent close but the family ramifications are something that scares me. the dont know what was wrong with her and my mother is kind of freaking out. i want to be there for her but i dont really know how, i lack that these days. honestly though...with what else is going on in my life right now it really doesnt concern me all that much. im so scared about this other situation and its tearing me apart. im so concerned for someone else and i feel all alone in it. ive never had so little control over something that just may be one of the biggest and worst things to ever happen in my life. and here i am...with know one to talk to about it but a stupid internet journal that i know no one reads, and if anyone does read it chances are it wont be till its far too late. its kind of sad...when things like this happen in my life i just dont talk about it...whether i can or not i just dont. its funny cause i talk about fucking everything but not the important stuff. i keep it to myself and wait it out, what sense does that make.

i have no control in my life right now. ive got more going on then i ever have...with work, life, and everything else...its just so overbearing, yet i press on...all alone. ive never felt so much like a bistander in my own life before. its one of the most frightening feelings ive ever experienced...fuck as a child i watched my best friend, my brother, die in front of my eyes after surviving an utter terror of a childhood. being the one person who could have saved a life has never affected me as much as what is oging on right now...and knowone would know it...fuck i dont even know where the situation stands.

ive never been so miserable and had so much to look forward to at the same time. i want to love and feel loved...i want happiness...i want all of the pain to subside.


i really need a therapist...
2:03am: this summer so far...come party
june 18th the starting point, count the hours, attrition, cherem
june 29th attitude, meltdown, learn, w/ more TBA
july 3rd wind of plague, a love ends suicide, w/ more TBA
july 6th set it straight, ruiner, final fight, counting the days, and cool yer jets
july 14th ceremony, lights out, w/ more TBA
july 21st life long tragedy,aftermath of a trainwreck, cool yer jets, w/ more TBA
july 26th johnny cage,catch your breath,outlook, w/more TBA
july 27th the glory,no truce, w/ more TBA
august 9th , cherem


all shows @
wild mushroom pizza
400 west 400 south
salt lake city, UT.
doors @ 7
$5 @ door

22nd April 2006

10:33pm: the last week was all i could have asked for. low stress, plenty of quality time. im excited for the things that will come later in life for us. marriage, house, kids...all of it. though not to say that i am in any sort of rush...but i am certainly ready to address the issues as they come at us...one at a time...

16th April 2006

8:01pm: i dont think ive ever been so wrung out.

13th April 2006

6:21pm: judge ate my x1upx hat.


two of my very good friends are in town for the week from tour, which means full dinner party for my birthday(which is next week)



im growing up



i guess misery trully loves company.





onward to the dog park...

11th April 2006

12:56am: update...

california was full of suprises but all in all probably one of the single most important moves in our relationship. i feel like we have more than just a shot in the dark, and i feel completely secure in hte fact that we are in love...on that note...

i am officially engaged.



im as happy as i could be,,,though it doesnt mean im worry free.

7th April 2006

7:52am: california in two days...sooooo stoked. its been far too long since i held her.

6th April 2006

8:53am: i miss knowing that someone was as excited about me as i am about them, how did i get to be the one more invested in the relationship. how can those feelins seem to fade. im so in this right now and i feel all alone. it feels like i only get 15 minutes a week of reciprication and taht is just not enough when you want to marry someone. you know you rank low in someones life when gameshows and reality tv take priority. i know that i dont mean nothing...but sometimes it sure feels taht way.

23rd March 2006

11:13pm: i never thought something so little and sweet was capable of so much anger and pain. how is it that without warning a conversation can be loving and thouhtful to nothing but pure hatred? maybe i am an asshole, maybe i deserve such words and im just not smart enough to see it. its funny how songs have a whole new meaning to me now, seriously i thought i understood the music i listened to but i had no clue. its funny how you can be listening to someones music and just get it, all the sudden youll think to yourself "fuck i know exactly what youre trying to say" even though youve heard the song a thousand times before. i reallly wanted to talk to her today, its all i wanted all day, but i guess thats not how things work. want in one hand...you know hte rest. i hate feeling like a complete fuck up. its so hard hearing such sweet words followed by insults. logic tells me she is moved past us, but my heart tells me there is still hope, lets hope my heart doesnt fail me. i cant give up, im incapable of just not caring. i hate waiting around to talk to someone that would rather do anything than just sit and have a conversation. i guess i am the asshole...

22nd March 2006

12:32am: do you ever think to yourself "what if this isnt my life?". its funny how a matter of weeks could turn me into a very different person. this person you see before you isnt me, it never has fit. only twice before have i become this guy but this time is just different. im tired of being the worrier, im tired of feeling like im just not good enough anymore. why is it so hard to remember that its not me. only moments like these as of late do i feel that i am all that i know i am. i wish i could just weather this and wait it out without such serious emotional drags. i hate been the moody, jealous, over compensating guy. its just not me, yet somehow i revert to this state. i dont know how to handle life as of now, i dontknow how to react to these problems. every turn i make is wrong, how the fuck did i let myself get here. why is caring about someone like this such a bad thing. why is it that i allow myself to be taken so easily. its all so very confusing, i dont know what emotions to trust anymore. all iknwo is that much of what has become me life hta last few weeks has to go...or one day there will be nothing left of who i am. tomorrow is a new day.

19th March 2006

2:08am: things are so much better the last week, though i am still desperatly alone. im feeling more and more like im not alone in this thing anymore, but my heart aches all the same. i love her with all of my being, and i truely hope things work as planned. i just want to be happy with her again. all the cute talk is making things much easier, but falling asleep alone is all the reminder i need to tell me its far from resolved.


i miss her more than anyone could ever understand.


choke

9th March 2006

6:56pm: there is no response worse than no response, im dying inside. i have never felt so low my entire life, i can feel the real me trying to fight his way through having been held captive for so long but this wave of depression keeps forcing him back down. im thinking of getting a therapist, someone i can talk to about my problems with no reprocutions. my dog is fucking nuts...its the only thing that relay has kept me goign the last week. its such a horrible feeling hte not knowing, while not wanting to give up and walk away dispite what the signs read. a simple fuck off would save me, or definite ill be home would make me feel whole aswell. i need someone to remind me of how amazing i am, cause right now i feel like a sack of shit on a bad day. this knot in my stomach has not left in 4 days and i just cant eat. ive never been so lonely in my life, the worste is waking up alone, not having her smell beside me...those cheeks to kiss. seriously i sound rediculous but after 8 months of living with someone this is what you find the most comforting...it lets you know that everything is alright in the world...cause they are there...to stand beside you through it all. its such a horrible feeling knowing that above all that i am alone in these thoughts, that i am hurting alone...there is no lonelyness more true than that. i miss so much and its been a week and a half. i wish i could break clean but i cant cause regardless of my anger or pain in the end i know she is the one and i cant help but hold on to the thought of her possibly coming back one day. i wish i could just fall asleep and wake up when life was simpler, when she was home or when i had finally given up hope and moved on...i wish i could move on so quickly. i wish this wasnt the most important person in my life to date, i wish...

7th March 2006

11:23pm: its funny how fast life can change, one day you are anxiously waiting for the love of your life to return from vacation and a week later your alone, empty, and confused. id never given someone my all before, never given my life to just one person before this. my future was our future, i wanted to succeed so we could succeed. can two people trully love each other whole heartedly, is it possible, or is an end the inevitable? how can a relationship seem fantastic and less than a week later for no definate reason it be over, something of the past not to be spoken of? how can you trust whatyou have is real if something like that can change so drasticly over night? letting your gaurd down is a deathmark, its a defining signal of the end. id never been so vulnarable with someone before now and i now know why that is. life isnt worth living when someone can control the outcome of your day with one word, one gesture, one halfhearted sigh. ive never been a man of faith, dont believe in anything i cant see or touch or wrap logic around, but ive been asked to find it now. ive been asked to have faith in love, something i cant touch or see or make any sense of. love is a fucker, you can give yourself a thousand reasons why you should walk away but there is always more to stay...i think that is when you know its real, when your heart dictates the actions of the brain no matter how masicistic. for over a year ive pushed those who were once my closest freinds further and further away till im left with friendship only in name. alone has never rung more true to me. i will wait, with my 25 lb companion at my side, ill wait, and hope that faith will ring true...regardless of what life has taught me.

28th February 2006

8:52am: this distance may be killing me, i hate the not knowing. life is a fucker.

22nd February 2006

7:15am: its been a while, i honestly dont think i have anyone to talk to anymore, my pride keeps me from letting myself be vulnerable with anyone im close with these days. i have so much to say but no one to listen...so ill say it here. things are falling apart, the life ive been building is rapidly coming undone. i feel sick to my stomach and there is nothing i can do. once again i bought into dreams of the future...plans that never had a chance tobe realized. how can someone like me allow themselves to be so utterly fooled. my options are limited, so i will sit and watch my world fall apart, watch all taht a care about wander just outside my reach. i realize now that dispite encouraging words and intimatly laid out plans and proposals...this thing was never mine to enjoy...i was just here to watch. id never planned my future with someone before this...and i was right to not do so...and id be smart not to do so again.




thanks for listening

17th October 2005

1:01am: its time for the bi-monthly update...
things are still good...


  • one month tillt he couch finally comes

  • my finger has been broken for a month now.

  • judge got sick even though he was suppose to be covered for a year...sounds fishy i know...hes fine now

  • i have been into the whole remodeling and decorating thing again since i did the work for the coffee shop.

  • there has been a lot of talk about buying a house, which has got me thinking alot about making a fantastic back yard for us, ive become an adult.

  • kristin has been planning the marriage for the last month...although we are not yet engaged...a stress on the yet.

  • this will officially be the first winter of my life that i have money saved and will not have to borrow to survive.

  • this will also be the first winter ever that i have money to buy presents for those i love...which i am actually excited about...again...age has crept up on me.




over all summery...life couldnt be better.

17th August 2005

5:51pm:

10th August 2005

10:02pm: only cause i had to
1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.
2. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
3. I will then tell you what song(band)/movie reminds me of you.
4. I will tell you my first memory of you.
5. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
6. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
7. Put this in your journal.

17th June 2005

12:57am: a few things to share.

life is good, im starting to feel much more financially sound. i paid my car off...it wasnt much but it took me faaar too long to do.

i cant lie though...the reason my life is good is cause she is a part of it. she flew me out on friday to drive back with her with the last little bits of her stuff, the drive was llong...i ended up being up for a good 40 hours straight but im glad she didnt have to do it alone. yesterday she had to go back to start a class she needed for her AA sos she can start school in the fall...5 days wasnt enough. one more month of missing and issues...on both ends...then all i could ever ask for will be ours. i like that we have the same feelings about our home...our nook. it feels so nice to share something like this with someone i care so much for. this is the first real relationship ive had. first time anyone has ever wanted to share something with me...especially thier life...first time ive been ready to do so. we are going to buy a couch and a puppy, then weve got it all.


im kind of glad that i dont have the words to fill this silly journal anymore...im also glad that no one reads it but her. im glad the internet doesnt have any sort of hold on me seeing as how its already delivered all i could have asked for and more...direct from a little place called ventura, CA.


im glad she has plenty to say about everybit as much as i...but she knows a little better when to say it...which i never do. im glad she is understanding and enjoys so many of lifes simple pleasures i cant imagine doing without.

i should be in bed...i miss waking up and smelling her face(i know that sounds silly but its true).







i yearn....one month....its gonna be the longest month of my life....

7th June 2005

2:25am: so three more days and im flying out to california to help kristin move the rest of her stuff. im so stoked about the moving in together thing. its looking to be something of greatness. she said i can get a scooter...having a supportive girlfriend is pretty much where its at. i like knowing that no matter waht i can trust her cause shes in this as much as i. im comfortable..this change is goign to take alot of work and patience...but im ready and more very much willing to do what it takes...


ps

i want a puppy...


and a scooter...




and some other stufff....



and anything that will make her smile.

20th May 2005

11:19am: life is good, the apartment is hoppin. got the internet hooked up finally. i cant wait for her to move, im tired of spending my nights falling asleep alone. i cant wait to have a real relationship with her. what can i say...life is good.

6th May 2005

6:39pm: so lets get you t's up to date

i got our apartment today
kristin will be here for one day on saturday(im more excited about that than the move.)
my life as of right now is fucking amazing...not saying it hasnt been the last 5 months...but today brought it to a new, less stressed version of hte same amazing.

i miss her...

work is good, im making good money and its looking that im goign to have plenty of moneys to take care of the things ineed to take care of.


i really have nothing else tosay...i have her...we have hte apartment...all we need is a puppy and some furniture here and there.




yeah...

25th April 2005

12:09am: the only thing better than disneyland is making fun of stupid families with the one you love.....
ok so im back from CA. heres the highlights

disneyland with the girl i love
the sandiego zoo...pandas...polar bears and all...
the fancy hotel room.
yellow cake made with love
finding vegan glory...very good
getting lost in LA every other car trip...but never forgetting how much i love the girl i was with.
pirates of the carribian(SP?)
the fucking maderhorn
cute couple stuff for 4 days
meeting the dopest two black 8 year olds there is.
santa pier...
the gf winning a million tickets at the arcade and spending them on a kungfu kid.
did i mention cute couples stuff?
one million and one hugs


to sum it all up, best birthday ever provided by the most fantastic girlfriend anyone could ever ask for.
kristin is amazing, i couldnt be happier.


feel free to be jealous

21st April 2005

4:20pm: california for 4 days with the only person on this planet id care to share it with...its ok to be jealous
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